Still Breathing

“There are two things I always tried to believe, but couldn’t; one was that there is a perfect man waiting out there for every woman, the other is that true love gives you happiness. In real life I spent so many years dodging men who were so much less than perfect, and when I did fall in love… happiness never came. So I grew up and put away those childish things and finally stopped holding my breath for a man.”

I remember when I was little I used to try and hold my breath for as long as humanly possible; whether I was in a pool, in the tub, or just laying in the grass outside as the warm sun spread it’s blanket of light gently over me. I knew it couldn’t be good for me because my lungs would start to hurt and my head would get so hot it felt as if it would explode. Then, just the moment before I felt as if I would burst into tears I would open my mouth and take in the sweetest gulp of air that would fit into my tiny lungs. It was delicious, cool, and lifesaving…. Moments later I would do it all over again.

As an adult I found that relationships, dates even, are very much like holding your breath. We do it to challenge ourselves; to see what it will feel like to be in pain on our own terms. The fun comes in seeing how long it will last. When we get to that breaking point, the point where all we want to do is cry, we let go. The strange thing is that we let go with great difficulty knowing that perhaps we could have held on just a little…bit…longer.

Perhaps it was being raised on Disney films and losing myself completely between the tower of books at my local libraries. Perhaps it was the knowledge that though my parents love for each other had waned long before I was even able to take my very first steps, I always wanted to find someone who would make me feel as if I never had to hold my breath again. I wanted to breathe without the challenge of seeing how long I could last before getting hurt, before I stopped breathing altogether….

There is a movie I have had a love affair with for quite some time now; it is called “Still Breathing” and it stars the ever wonderful Brendan Fraser, who has incidentally, long since been the man of my dreams. He plays a man, so eccentric, so gentle, so… perfect, that the first time I saw this movie I thought what every woman who has gone through multiple failed relationships would think “Yeah. Right.” I have long since stopped believing in fairy tales and soul mates. I gave them up officially the last time I held my breath too long…. I had come to the conclusion that love was not worth the pain; that the pain of losing someone was not worth the pain of perhaps losing yourself. And then this movie fell into my life like a flower from the sky when there aren’t even any trees or shrubs around for flowers to grow on.

In a time when movies are afraid to believe in magic almost as much as people are, this movie was a breath of fresh air. The leading lady has become a cynic, a pessimist. She is jaded and has made it a career out of men falling in love with her so that she may use them and discard of them as easily as one might a tissue. The leading man, played exquisitely by Mr. Fraser is, ironically, a puppeteer, much like she is; however the big difference is that he uses his talents to manipulate people into smiling. His joy comes from entertaining young children with his whimsical puppets by day and dreaming of his lady love by night. Endlessly, he searches for her in his subconscious; trying desperately to piece her face together with images handed to him by fate. Under normal circumstances I would roll my eyes at this type of film and reach for another movie before even the intro credits stopped rolling. Something about this film, as fanciful as it is with its vast Texan shots of ivy and great big magnolia blossoms… something about it made me want to believe again; believe that love could exist completely between two people; believe that maybe, just maybe there was someone out there thinking of someone like me, wondering if I would ever fall out of the sky even when there no shrubs or trees for flowers to bloom upon…. I no longer believe in fairy tales, but I sure as hell believe in love, even with all its flaws.

Fletcher, Brendan Fraser’s character, may be just a character in a movie, but I would take him over all the Clooneys and Pitts out there any day of the week. He is a gentleman who does not have a fortune stashed away in investments or stocks, he is gangly and handsome in an unconventional way, he is steadfast and determined to the point of seeming like a stalker, but just controlled enough to know when it is time to walk away. He is someone who seems as if he has never felt the need to ever hold his breath….

As I type this, I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps my love affair (and love for Fletcher) goes beyond wanting to find someone like him (because aside from his own love affair with WOW my fiancé could very well be him), perhaps it is a matter of me wishing I could be more like him. That childlike innocence that I have all but replaced with cynicism and doubt is encompassed in his smile. If you don’t believe me just take another look at the picture above.

I may be more cynical and pessimistic than I was ten years ago. I may have had my heart broken a few more times than I would have liked, worse yet, I may have broken more hearts than I would have liked; and yes, when everyone else is splashing around in a pool you will still catch me quietly sitting below the water, silently holding my breath until my lungs feel as if they are on fire and my head threatens to explode. Just before that moment of excruciating pain threatens to engulf me and all I want to do is cry, I’ll pull myself out and take in the sweetest gulp of air I’ve ever tasted in my life. As I look around at the people laughing and enjoying the cool water, life seems to move in slow motion.... I will sit back and appreciate the fact that even though love is painful as it is wonderful… I am still breathing….