Change in the Weather

A strong breeze glides through my bedroom window, blowing strands of wet hair across my forehead as I sit, hunched over my notepad. The lit candle perfumes the air with traces of sandalwood and patchouli.

Yesterday was the first day I truly began to panic about not having a job; so much that I took a shot of some very strong amber liquor in a feeble attempt to calm my nerves. The feeling of helplessness, of being stuck in the middle of a vast and turbulent ocean without any means of rescue, began to creep over me like a thunderous cloud just before a tornado kisses the earth.

My thoughts became fuzzy and my hands stopped shaking, but my mind still raced with unanswered questions and dark, indistinct images of an unforeseeable future. I could feel a lump in my throat and hot tears threatening to spill forth at any given moment. The Internet, with its infinite library of information, proved useless and superfluous; nothing interested me as I swam against a tide of irrelevant sites.

What I needed was an anchor, a weight, a crystal ball showing me what my next step was supposed to be; instead, I found myself asking the inevitable question those who experience buyer's remorse ask: Why did I do it? Why had a left my job? It was secure, it was safe, it was what I knew.

I had to get up and walk, run, do anything to get away from those thoughts and questions now snapping at me like vicious little piranhas. I went into the kitchen and sat on the counter ready to make myself another drink; hell, ready to drink straight from the bottle when my fiance, my best friend, walked in smiling.

"Am I ever going to find another job?" I asked him, staring at my small hands. I could not bring myself to look at him in fear of bursting into tears.

I could feel him looking at me.

"Of course you will. You're incredibly smart." He said softly. "Besides..."

Here it came, the joke. He is always making jokes.

But instead of a punchline he said, "The hard part is over. The important thing is you're free from that place." With that, he kissed me and left.

I sat on the counter smiling, as the snake that had coiled itself around my stregnth and confidence loosened its grip and slithered away....

He was right. For so long, too long, I had allowed myself to suffer unfairly and did not see that I had become institutionalized in a place that became greedy and stressful to a toxic degree. Yes, I had had the security of receiving a steady paycheck; yes, I was good at what I did; yes, I had gained a vast amount of knowledge while there... but it was time to move on.

They say that the right thing to do is usually the hardest. They say change is scary, but necessary. They say a person must make painful sacrifices before finding happiness. They say a lot of things... and you know what? They are right.